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Read The Vancouver Sun satire that made the CanWest empire go SLAPP happy

The Emperor’s Speech—A Grim Fairy Tale (March 12, 2015)
...SASHA: “Ready for another story, boys and girls?”
LL CHILDREN: “Yeah!!!”
SASHA: “Do you all remember our last story?”
KATE (age 8): “We sure do! It was great!”
TRISTAN (age 6): “Vassal King Stephen sure got what he deserved!”
SASHA: “Yes, he did. That’s because he fell victim to hubris.”
ELAINE (age 8): “Who is Hugh Briss? I don’t remember him.”
SASHA: “Hubris isn’t a person, Elaine. It’s a word that means, well, thinking that you’re more important and powerful than you really are. Vassal King Stephen thought he could betray the people of Ovella and get away with it, but they showed him!”
TRISTAN: “What story do you have for us this time?”
SASHA: “As it turns out, it’s another story of hubris called The Emperor’s Speech.”
DINA (age 9): “Is that the same emperor as last time?”
SASHA: “Yes, and this takes place soon after Vassal King Stephen returned to Ovella.... more

The Vassal King and the Emperor—A Grim Fairy Tale (February 10, 2014)
(THE SCENE: The set of the children’s early Saturday morning TV show Storytime. It’s a sunny playroom with craft tables and various types of artsy-crafty paraphernalia. Children are drawing, playing with toys, laughing and generally having fun. A simple theme song starts up as storylady “Sasha” enters, book in hand, to screams of delight. She is in her early 40s and gives off a wholesome Donna Reed vibe. The children drop what they’re doing and rush up to hug her. As the crush of people enters the middle of the floor, Sasha sits down on large floor cushion, and the children each grab a small cushion and sit a semicircle in front. The music dies down.)

SASHA: “Ready for another story?”
SOPHIA (age 5): “We sure are, Sasha. What do you have for us today?”
SASHA: “Our story today comes from medieval times and is called The Vassal King and the Emperor.”
BRANDON (age 7): “What’s a vassal king?” more

U.S. electorate rejects Romney’s 1% solution
November 25, 2012
(THE SCENE: Professor Ray Langston’s graduate seminar in political psychology at a Canadian university. It’s the Monday after the 2012 U.S. election. The students are seated around an oblong table. Professor Langston enters and takes his seat.)
PROF. LANGSTON: “Well, did everyone watch the U.S. election results?”
REG: “I did, but only because I had to for this class. I don’t know what the point was—The U.S. is so religiously and economically insane it didn’t matter who won.”
JUDITH: “Well, I’m glad that Obama was re-elected! The country and the world really dodged a bullet!”
STAN: “Yeah! A ‘dumb-dumb’!” (General laughter from the professor and students—all except Ezra, who doesn’t see the humour.) more

The Hill is Alive with the Sound of Silence
June 22, 2011
BRIAN COHEN: “Good evening, and welcome again to Face of the Nation. Tonight we take a probing look behind the façade of government to the people whose job it is to tell us what’s going on. I’m talking about the legions of ministerial spokesmen and assistants who issue statements and give interviews to explain government policy to the media and through the media to you, the public. Tonight in our studio we are pleased to have two representatives of Ottawa’s Ministerial Communications Corps: Chris Day, spokesman for Foreign Minister John Baird, and Sandra Buckler, chief of staff for Intergovernmental Affairs Minister Peter Penashue.” (Cohen rises respectfully and the two guests walk across the studio, shake hands with Cohen and sit in the two club chairs opposite him. Cohen looks perplexed because his guests are wearing Styrofoam cones on their heads.) more

The Canadian Jewish Congress hates our freedoms
Canadian Arab News (November 7, 2010)
BRIAN COHEN: “Welcome again to Pet Politicians. We’re on location in Ottawa at B’nai Brith’s Jason Kennels, where political pets are trained in obedience and attack under the strictest, most professional conditions. Today, though, is no ordinary training session. (Considerable yapping and barking is heard in the background.) Here to explain what all the excitement behind me is about is kennel director Moshe Schmekel. (Camera slowly pans back to reveal a two-shot. Cohen turns to his left.) Moshe, the dogs seem particularly excited. Is there a special reason.” more

Hawaii Five-O goes under the political knife
Canadian Arab News (October 4, 2010)
LANCE BOYLE: “Tonight in ‘The Cutting Room,’ we turn from the silver screen to the small screen to look at the new fall season. Joining us in the studio is WTFN’s resident critic Miriam Kale, and via satellite from Los Angeles, we’re pleased to welcome Larry Levy, CEO of Redundancy Entertainment LLP. (Lance Boyle turns from facing the camera to Miriam Kale. They are sitting in high-backed upholstered chairs across a black coffee table. All around are enlarged stills and posters of the new Hawaii Five-O.) Miriam, the pilot of the new Hawaii Five-O was easily the most hyped show this September. Did the hype live up to expectations? more

Modern Classics—“Layton Tendencies”
Canadian Arab News (August 2, 2010)
LANCE BOYLE: “Hello—I’m Lance Boyle, and I’ll be your host for Modern Classics, a new movie feature coming soon to WTFN. We’ll show you classic works of literature and film that have been adapted, sometimes very freely, to bring to life our political reality. Here’s a sneak peek at a Canadian adaptation of Christopher Marlowe’s 1604 masterpiece The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus. The story has been played and re-interpreted by other masters over the centuries—Mann, Goethe, Gounod—but its central theme has remained unchanged: a bored, frustrated but otherwise bright man sells his soul to gratify his ambitions. Here are a few scenes from Layton Tendencies. more

All’s fair in law and war
Canadian Arab News (April 7. 2010)
BRIAN COHEN: “Good evening, and welcome to Face of the Nation. Our subject tonight: freedom of expression and criticism of Israel. Every Canadian knows that freedom of expression is guaranteed under Article 2 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Without freedom of expression, there would be no freedom to dissent, and without the freedom to dissent, there would be no individualism, and without individualism there would be no democracy. more

‘Oscar Preview’—with Lance Boyle
Canadian Arab News (January 25, 2010)
“Good evening, and welcome to WTFN’s inaugural Oscar preview show. I’m your host Lance Boyle coming to you from Los Angeles. The ceremony may still be weeks away but there’s a lot to talk about. Joining us in The Cutting Room is veteran movie columnist and critic Miriam Kale.” (Lance Boyle turns to face Miriam Kale. They are sitting in high-backed upholstered chairs across from each other. A black coffee table is between them and all around are enlarged stills and posters of the nominated movies.) Before we get into the movies themselves, Miriam, what’s your opinion on the Academy’s decision to include 10 best-picture nominees instead of the usual five? more

What’s Diana Dilworth, anyway?
Canadian Arab News (November 8, 2009)
…BRIAN COHEN: “Good evening and welcome to a special edition of Face of the Nation. We’re on location in New Westminster, B.C., on the eve of a byelection to fill the seat vacated by MP Dawn Black, who resigned to sit in the provincial legislature. Fin Donnelly, who hopes to retain the seat for the NDP, is the odds-on favourite. He’s a New Westminster native who served seven years on Coquitlam City council and is perhaps best known for twice swimming the length of the Fraser River. His main challenger is Conservative candidate Diana Dilworth—at least that’s the rumour.…” more 

It’s a dog’s life for Israel’s pet politicians
Canadian Arab News (September 10, 2009)
(Judith, a university student in her early 20s picks up the TV remote and sits down on her living room sofa. The TV comes on, and she calls to her mother.) “Hey Mom, what channel is that reality show of yours on?”
MOTHER: “87.”
JUDITH: “It’s not here. There’s some kind of political talk show.” …
BRIAN COHEN: “… and welcome again to Pet Politicians, the show where we talk to politicians and the animals they love. Today, I’m pleased to welcome to the show Alan Baker, Israel’s ambassador to Canada. Welcome, Alan.” more

Exposing Israel’s war crimes is child’s play (January 24, 2009)
ANNOUNCER: (off camera) “Time once again for everyone's favourite clown—‘Bozo Bernie’!” (A bouncy song heralds the arrival of Bernie Fubar, star of the Canadian Jewish Circus’s ‘The Bozo Bernie Show’. About a dozen boys and girls aged four to 10 are on the set and part of this live TV children’s show. They cheer and clap as ‘Bozo Bernie’ enters, waves and frolics with them. The theme music dies down…)
BOZO BERNIE: “Welcome, kids!”
KIDS: “Hi Bozo Bernie!”
BOZO BERNIE: “We’ve got a great show for you today—cartoons, games, and a special surprise!”
KIDS: “What is it? What is it? What is it?”... read more

To understand war criminals we must learn to respect the irrational mind
Canadian Arab News (January 13, 2009)
THE SCENE: A graduate seminar in political psychology at a Canadian University. The professor enters and takes his place at the end of a medium-sized oblong table)
PROFESSOR: “Good morning, and welcome to Aberrant Political Psychology. I’m Professor Langston. Before we begin, a show of hands—how many of you are taking this course because you want to know what makes people become evil? (a few hands go up.) Hmm. You’ll save yourself and this class a lot of aggravation if you leave right now and sign up for a Bible study course. ‘Evil’ is a moral absolute found only in the simplistic, zero-sum world of religion and American movies. It has no place in a rational investigation of the human mind.”
REG: “Are you saying that evil does not exist?” more

Remembrances of things past present an ethical dilemma
Canadian Arab News (November 10, 2008)
(THE SCENE: A coffee bar on a university campus. A group of friends from a history class are having lunch and discussing Remembrance Day.)
REG: “I don't know about you guys, but I sure could use the extra day's rest on Monday.”
JUDITH: “Typical. The one day a year when we’re expected to honour our veterans and reflect on their sacrifices and all you want to do is sleep…probably watch football, too.”
REG: “Why not? I’m beat, and you’re just as tired as I am. Look, it’s not that I don’t respect what they did. I just don’t see why I have to get up early and freeze my tail off at some ceremony.” more

Saturday Night Live “Bailout” skit
(NBC, October 4, 2008)
This satire of the banking crisis created major problems for NBC. The station pulled the video and is said to have gone after anyone who put it on the web. It was up on multiple sites and virtually all the copies are now gone. There are a few new “edited” copies on the net. but this is the unedited version. (WARNING: the wmv file is large—19.2Mb—but worth every Kb. When satire is censored, you know it tells the truth.) Play/download video

Michael Ignatieff’s crime and punishment shows real face of Canada’s government
Canadian Arab News (October 16, 2006)
(THE SCENE: Evening, Oct. 11, 2006. In the centre of a darkened room stands Michael Ignatieff, candidate for the Liberal Party leadership. He is agitated and confused.)
MICHAEL IGNATIEFF: (shouting into the darkness) “Where am I! Who brought me here? I demand to know what’s going on!” (After a brief pause, a calm but menacing voice answers.)
VOICE: “You have no right to demand anything, Mr. Ignatieff. On the contrary, it is we who will be demanding certain things of you.”
IGNATIEFF: “‘We?’ Who is ‘we?’ Do I know you?”
VOICE: “Yes, of course you do. Everyone does, though few have ever met us. We are as well-known to Canadians as hockey and maple syrup. They see us every day in their media, and when the government speaks, our voice is clearly discernable.” more

When truth is a threat to a government’s lies, honest opinion must adopt a satirical guise
Canadian Arab News (August 8, 2006)
Ugh! TV—what a wasteland! Hmm. What’s this? A new political affairs show? Let’s give it a shot. Click!
SONOROUS VOICE-OVER “…and now Face of the Nation with your host Brian Cohen.”
BRIAN COHEN: “Good evening. As the massacre in Lebanon continues to dominate the news, Canada’s uncritical support for Israel’s bombardment is having damaging repercussions at home and abroad for Stephen Harper’s new government. His party’s popularity is collapsing in Quebec, and even his own constituency office in Calgary is beset by anti-war protesters.Overseas, Canada’s reputation as a fair-minded, law-abiding nation is now in question. Has the new Harper government shot itself in the foot? How did the party come to adopt pro-Israel absolutism? To answer these and other questions, please welcome our guest, Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay.”... read more

Nobody Expects the Jewish Inquisition!
Canadian Arab News (September 1, 2005)
Yes, folks, time for another episode of Flip Your Yarmulke!—the unintentionally funny reality show where members of Canada’s Jewish Lobby go berserk on scholars and journalists who challenge the verities of zionist dogma and seek justice for Muslims. The rules of the show are simple. A Lobby representative impugns the integrity of a writer or publication by invoking the stale epithets “anti-Semitism” and “anti-Israel bias,” and then advocates censorship under the guise of fighting racism. more