Cohen: “Obedience and attacking—that seems like a complicated, intense program.”

Schmekel: “It is, but we have no choice. (The camera follows the two as they walk into the kennel area. The barking and yipping get progressively louder.) You see, Israel is under attack as never before, and we have to ensure that our dogs receive advanced training to protect their Jewish owners, as you can well understand. Ever since the Goldstone Report came out, Israel has been on the defensive, and people and governments are increasingly distrustful of Israel. As defending and promoting the Israeli point of view becomes increasingly difficult, people buy dogs for protection.”

Cohen: “But Canada’s media is overwhelmingly sympathetic to Israel, and Jews are some of the most privileged people in Canada. How can Canadian Jews be in such difficulty?”

Schmekel: “You’re talking about the mainstream news media, which is spiralling into a black hole of irrelevance. Even though we used the media to spin the Goldstone Report to Israel’s advantage, the majority of Canadians still don’t believe Israel had the right to murd… er, kill those aid workers in self-defence—See? The anti-Israeli mentality of this country is even affecting me! And of course, Jews feel this hostility, so they need protection.”

Cohen: “How does this CJC competition fit into your general training?”

Schmekel: “Simply put, Brian, it’s a two-pronged approach. First, it’s an intensive stimulus response program to strengthen the dog’s obedience, and second it hones the dog’s attack instinct toward anti-Israel critics.”

Cohen: “How does this differ from existing training?”

Schmekel: “The one loophole we haven’t been able to close is freedom of expression, which allows Israel’s critics to condemn Israel while claiming not to be anti-Jewish. They do this by attacking zionism, so we are training our dogs to equate anti-zionist criticism with anti-Semitism, and to recognize it as hate speech.”

Cohen: “But criticizing Israel isn’t illegal, and what’s more the biggest critics of Israel are themselves Jews. Moreover, expressing an opinion is a constitutionally protected right! Do you intend to have the Constitution rewritten?!”

Schmekel: “No, but we can do the next best thing. (They come to a chain-link enclosed exercise yard where an obedience class is being run.) We train these dogs to defend the Constitution, but make exceptions for anti-Israel comments. There’s ‘Kenney’ the chihuahua.…”

Cohen: “Yes, I’ve met ‘Kenney’ and his master, Alan Baker, Israel’s ambassador.”

Schmekel: “Well, you can see them demonstrate some of the new obedience training the CJC competition is designed to instill….”

Alan Baker: “…Right to defend itself!” (holds up pic of Israeli flag)
‘Kenney’: “Arf! Arf! (pant! pant! Sits up and paws the air playfully.)
Baker: “Good boy!”

Baker: “War crimes charges!” (holds up pic of Iranian flag)
‘Kenney’: (Rowf! Rowf! Yip! (Dances on his hind feet.)
Baker: “Good boy!”

Baker: “War crimes charges!” (holds up pic of UN building)
‘Kenney’: (Grrr! Snarrl! Froth! Froth!)
Baker: “Good boy! Easy, boy!”

Baker: “Ally!” (holds up pic of Prime Minster Stephen Harper with his arm around Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu)
‘Kenney’: (Rrruff! Rolls over to have his tummy rubbed,)
Baker: (rubs tummy) “Good boy!”

Baker: “Palestinian Rights!”
‘Kenney’: (Goes berserk. Snarls, growls, barks and lunges at a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Omar Khadr, knocking it down and trying to bite it.)
Baker: “That’s my Kenney!… OK, boy, that’s enough! Enough…Good dog!” (Pulls him off the cut-out. Gives Kenney a biscuit. Kenney calms down).

Schmekel: “Well done, Alan!” (Baker waves back in acknowledgment.)

Cohen: (They start walking again) “Surely, pro-Israel Jews aren’t so weak and frightened that they need dogs to attack their critics! Why don’t they just try to explain their…?”

Schmekel: “Are you kidding?! That’s precisely why we need attack dogs! Can you imagine what would happen if Israel’s friends tried to engage in debate? It’s a no-win proposition. Why do you think we had to savage the Goldstone Report? When we explain to people that Israel has to kill to survive, we get called war criminals. How can you hope to argue with people who think Arabs should have the same rights as Jews do? You can’t…”

Cohen: “But...”

Schmekel: “…To make matters worse, and to show why this training is necessary, Israel has actually released documents that show a deliberate policy of starving Palestinians in Gaza. Can you imagine the uproar if this became public knowledge!?”

Cohen: “No.. No, I really can’t.”

Schmekel: “This is why we need well-trained dogs like ‘Kenney’ and ‘Harper’ to ‘change the laws’ of acceptable discourse in this country, so that criticism of Israel is inherently defined as anti-Semitic. The CJC has already had a major success in a pre-competition test.”

Cohen: “Was that the Adbusters campaign?”

Schmekel: “You’ve heard!”

Cohen: “Most people familiar with free speech have.”

Schmekel: “So you understand that publisher Kalle Lasn’s direct equation of Gaza with the Warsaw Ghetto could not be allowed to go unpunished. This sort of freewheeling, open debate is anathema to Israel, so the CJC made it abundantly clear to Shoppers Drug Mart that it didn’t want them to stock anti-Israeli propaganda, and Shoppers agreed to stop selling it. What happened to Adbusters we expect ‘Kenney’ ‘Harper’ and our other loyal dogs to do to any Canadian who attacks Israel.”

Cohen: “Well that’s all the time we…”

Schmekel: “Wait! We're about to have our first medal presentation.”

Cohen: “So soon?”

Cohen: “Well, congratulations, ‘Kenney’! That’s all for Pet Politicians until next time. For Moshe Schmekel and me, good night!”